1. It’s hard to explain puns to kelptomaniacs, because they’re always taking things literally.
2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
3. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?”
The first logician says “I don’t know.”
The second logician says “I don’t know.”
The third logician says “Yes!”
4. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.
Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”
Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found Pascal!”
5. A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter says that every 30 seconds they will be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman.
The mathematician snorted, “This is pointless” and stormed off.
The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. But the mathematician exclaimed, “Don’t you see? You’ll never actually reach her?”
The engineer replied, “So what? Pretty soon, I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes!”
6. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
“You mean a martini?” asks the bartender.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.”
7. Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please”.
8. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor hands the baby to the dad.
His wife asks if it’s a boy or girl.
The logician replies “Yes.”
9. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I would like a cup of coffee please. No cream.” the waitress replies, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
10. Entropy ain’t what it used to be.
11. How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce unionized.
12. Why do engineers mix up Christmas and Halloween? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
13. Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other and says “Obviously this is a joke, but how can we tell if it’s funny?” Godel replies “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says “Of course it’s funny, you’re just telling it wrong.”
14. Pavlov is at a bar enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he shouts “Oh! I forgot to feed the dog.”
15. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” Helium doesn’t react.
16. Shrodinger’s cat walks into the bar and doesn’t.
17. A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says “make me one with everything.”
18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.” The Higgs Boson replied, “Well, without me, you can’t have mass.”
19. A programmer’s wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get a dozen.
The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread.
20. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet though.